Thursday, July 2, 2009

Crying without tears

I promised myself not to blog about this, but its been so heavy on my mind that I cannot not say something about it.
About a month ago , I lot some one that was very close to me.
Funny and bizarre is that on that Tuesday, I wrote the draft for the post 'Standing on Needles' which was bizarrely about death and gathering strength through loss; as I was writing it, I was having a conversation with HRM, a fellow blogger who agreed with the weird content; so I decided to change it and post a poem instead.
Little did I know that my little angel, my baby cousin lay cold and lifeless halfway around the world.
I'm crying without tears
I'm screaming but when I open my mouth nothing comes out
My hearts is squishing and burning in a way that surely should make me cry, but yet nothing.
Interesting that on that Tuesday I was writing that I have had no personal loss, I have lost friends, yes, but not family, I expected the call, all four grandparents are still alive, so I expected the call, sooner or later; but not him, he was only 10!.
I'm pained, but silent
Confused yet understanding God's infinite purpose and design for all things
I think of his parents, I think of every family member in their grieve. You know how, they say that no parent ever wants to bury their child.
I can just imagine his mother having to take that handful of dirt and toss it on his coffin.
Damn, I'm crying without tears
Mutely screaming
I'll never get to see my baby again.
Every poem or song I write seems to somehow lead me right back to him
I am unsure if it death in general that has got me bothered, or the fact that all I will ever see of him ever is dirt and pictures
I dont know why after a month this emotions resurfaces, I dont know is thats the way it supposed to be, because I haven't lost someone like this before.
What I can say though is Rest in peace....
and I hope to see you soon.

4 comments:

Brokeass said...

DAmn!
Take iteasy o Be-e.
The lord is your strength...

Pink Pages said...

wow. My condolences to you and the family.
Stay Strong
xXx

miss.fab said...

oh my gosh... so sorry to hear this hon. will be praying for you...

*hug*

tunrayo said...

first visit here...this is deep. I pray the Lord heals the hearts of you and your family.